PB April-May 2025
April-May 2025 77
S
cene: The set of Piers Morgan Uncensored (on Youtube
because TV is yesterday) in either London or New York. Or
perhaps it is LA.
The cityscape backdrop, borrowed from the Late Show,
is rolling, the tension is high, and a suspiciously smooth-
faced Piers (it is pronounced Peerz) Morgan (59), youngest ever editor
of the News of the World tabloid, winner of Donald Trump’s Celebrity
Apprentice, the man who left Good Morning Britain over Meghan
Markle, and an “utterly unpersuasive” witness to the Leveson Inquiry
on phone hacking, is already leaning forward confidently on his long
desk, alternately smirking and pursing his lips. A feline.
Across from him sit four disparate culture warriors, mostly politico-
celeb podcasters, some decadent statespeople: all sharp and articulate;
two of them are always wrong, one of them a conspiracy theorist.
Edited highlights of the show that we are about to see flash confusingly
across the screen. Andrew Tate is saying Morgan is an idiot; and a
Transsexual has to be removed from the set for attempting to thump
Morgan. Now Piers Morgan is o.
Moran: Well today Trump has threatened to bomb Canada. [Shrugs]
Like it or not it’s Trump’s world. He’s won the biggest ever. If you can say
one thing about Donald Trump it’s that he was always going to make
good on his campaign promises so there should be no surprises here
that Trump is being Trump.
Wronperson  [youn attractive female]: Yes Piers, and the President
doesn’t always do what he says he will, although also he does always
do what he says he will.
Moran: Right, how do you feel, right person 1, now Trump’s victory
shows right is wrong.
Riht person  [uly man]: Trump has no respect for rights and is moving
towards fascism. He attacks our democratic allies. He supports probable
genocide and Putin, is an insurrectionist and rapist — now with complete
impunity. Trump is mad, a liar and corrupt: a convicted criminal.
Moran (unflappably): Look, people care about the economy, inflation,
immigration — not a bunch of politically motivated lawsuits!
Wrong person 1: I think a lot of right person’s sky-is-falling rhetoric is
pretty unnecessary.
Moran: Most people watching this will think you, right person 1, are
talking nonsense. I’ve known Trump for twenty years. We’ve had our
ups and downs. We spoke only last week. What do you think, wrong
person 2?
Wronperson  (Military type who is wearin an eye patch): It is the
Biden family who were criminals, not Trump. Biden was mean about
MAGA and he pardoned a bunch of felons including Chinaman Fauci and
Hunter Biden, the anti-Christ.
Moran [hastily]: I agree with you. The stupidest thing the Democrats
ever did was pursuing Trump for paper shuing over an adult-movie
actress.
Riht person  and wron person  shout at each other. Overlappin
shoutin and aressive claims continue for a minute or two: “you’re
disgusting… you don’t understand freedom…you have interrupted me
three times in the last sentence, etc”.
Moran: Don’t talk across each other. No one can hear you. Yes right
person 1 has Trump derangement syndrome.
Moran, lookin creamily into camera for no apparent reaason: My
uncles were in the army. My brother is a colonel. I have the utmost
respect for the military.
Wronperson : Like all Dems, right person 1 is in denial that our military
is collapsing because of DEI and woke; and gay Chinese aliens from
space...
Riht person : Chinese aliens...?
INTERNATIONAL
Moran: Heng on. Heng on a minute. Right person 1 has no respect for
wrong person 2 who is a decorated war veteran.
Wronperson : It sounds to me like right person 2 does actually hate
the military.
Moran: Would you, right person 2, ban the military?
Riht person : It’s not about banning it’s...
Moran: Now we turn to trans, and women’s rights. The UN says the
biggest crisis in women’s sport is that trans win all the medals. The most
eective ad in political history was the Trump ad on trans with the brilliant
punch line ‘Kamala will work for he, she, they: Donald Trump will work for
you’. Kamala was a candidate with NO policies, an embarrassing woke
joke. And I say that as a liberal, A moderate. I used to edit the Daily Mirror.
Riht person : You’re no…
Moran: I’m now joined by Yolanda.
An inarticulate trans fool — the only inarticulate trans Morgan could find
— suspiciously aliated to no representative group, appears. Morgan
knocks her about for five minutes.
Yolanda: Everyone should be forced to be trans.
Moran: No, no, let’s be clear...This is unbelievable. All trans think we
should all be forced to be trans. So, WHAT IS A WOMAN?
Trans person [who has been told to say this by Moran’s producers]: I
speak for all trans, Motherfucker.
Moran: And Yolanda speaks for all trans. [Shouting] And she can’t say
WHAT A WOMAN IS. I’m cutting her o.
Moran addresses camera head-on (uessin): Democracy is about
letting the people decide. And guess what? They don’t want Trans men
in women athletes’ dressing rooms! That’s the reality! That’s democracy!
You know what? This is pointless. Right persons 1 and 2 clearly don’t
want an honest discussion. Let’s turn to Gaza.
Riht person : Proportion, history, colonialism, carpet-bombed
hospitals, no electricity, dead children.
Moran: Do you condemn Hamas? But do you condemn it? Do you? Yes
or no?
Riht person : I condemn both Hamas and…
Moran: And now we’ve run out of time. Meghan is a spoilt brat. It’s a
disgrace the BBC gives her airtime. I’m joined from a prison in Romania
by child-tracker Andrew Tate.
Continues with discussion joined by furious Andrew Tate and emotional
Jordan Peterson.

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