Humour

Ireland, Euro Area Governance et l’art de mentir: Past, Present and Futur Jean-Claude Trichet Institute of International and European Affaires

Denis is for once on the back-foot as concerns arise about the roles of IBRC, Cox, Davy and KPMG in the discounted sale of Siteserv to him   D E N I S  O ‘  B R I E N   Dear Dermot, Fuming. So the non-story so far: Shareholders in Siteserv got a €5m payment when the company was sold to me for €45m, crystallising a loss to the state of €100m, and even though there were higher offers. Normally, shareholders are – legally – right down the list in the event of insolvency. Perfectly fine. Chinese Walls. Arthur Cox. Davy. Top firms. Good people. And we both know it’s normal that rivals get excluded from the sale process in case they use their access to the books for their own commercial advantage. Nothing to see. Some Department of Finance officials were uneasy with the way IBRC sold off Siteserv, though the Central Bank scrutinised the deal in 2012 and no regulatory or enforcement action followed. In a memo to Michael Noonan, referred to in the Dáil by Yer Wan, officials said they were “concerned at the number of large transactions [at IBRC] that have been poorly executed under the direction of the bank’s former chief executive”, though Noonan had told her on December 16th, 2014 that he simply was “advised that the board of IBRC at that time were satisfied” that the Siteserv deal represented “the best return for IBRC”, and Finance insisted IBRC change the way it notified it department about such sales. In the last few weeks he summoned CEO Mike Aynsley and chairman, former Fine Gael leader, Alan Dukes to explain their actions and they defended them robustly but Nono Noonan now claiming there assurances that all was okay led to him relaying the same message to Yer Wan. Very striking how bad relations were between the Finance Department, particularly then maverick Sec Gen ‘SIPTU-head’ John Moran, and IBRC. Walter Hobbs, a consultant who was brought in by IBRC to assess my bid also made it clear it was all above board. I mean these are all the top guys in the area. Walt is managing director of ACT which owns stakes in startup companies Swrve, Firecomms and Biosensia, Funnily enough so do I – through Atlantic Bridge. Nothing to see here. Chinese walls. So we invest in the same thing. Doesn’t mean we hang out. Everyone moaning on about Davy/Carvill which coordinated the sale for Siteserv. So there was a bump in pre-sale trading in the shares. Davy sees no problem with that, and nor do I.The Competition Authority okayed  the purchase on the basis it was a “media” takeover. I mean, I’m a media guy. So what? Dukes and Aynsley are facing the rap. They say there was absolutely nothing untoward about the way IBRC sold off companies and certainly I saw nothing. Nor did any of my colleagues, friends. No-one. But Noonan banging on anyway about not being kept informed Political correctness gone mad. Worried Noonan not playing ball. Now there is to be a further inquiry into the transaction by IBRC’s special liquidators. Dukes got annoyed when it was suggested criminality might be part of the investigation. Called press conference in his solicitors’ offices. Class. Eames. Nothing wrong. Dukes said he was both happy and angry about the inquiry.  Is that cognitive, or emotional, dissonance?, Dukesie. Morrissey went on Finucane to attack the Sunday Times over ludicrous story about shares in Siteserv changing hands at inflated prices in the run up to the buyout. Actually thought Morrissey was shite. Even I didn’t believe what he was saying about the Moriarty Tribunal and then he got outsmarted by Frank Fitzgibbon on how the meter installations are a bigger deal in jobs than in actual finance. Sometimes I think there’s more to PR than just being prepared to say anything I tell him. “The Irish Stock Exchange is prohibited by law from discussing investigation matters” a spokesman said, “including whether it has ever discussed those matters”. I did laugh a little. KPMG, the special liquidators to IBRC will investigate a number of IBRC loan-sales in recent years. Of course this is ideal since KPMG itself was one of the advisers in the sale of Siteserv by IBRC in 2012. Then the whole thing will be supervised by a ring of steeler with an unpronounceable name. The whole thing is Unfair. I’ve no particular links to FG apart from the money I’ve given them, and Lowry getting me and Esat and you the second mobile-licence, bagging €317m for me when we sold it to BT. Seeking injunction (ring of steel) against RTÉ, preventing a report about my bloody private banking affairs from being broadcast. Senior Counsel foxy Michael Cush – one of the top guys – got RTÉ undertaking not to publish or disclose the material at the centre of the application in the interim. He handed two sealed envelopes to Mr Justice Paul Gilligan. Very James Bond. Too busy to attend the marrying your second son, Ross, last week – thanks though. At JP’s Adare. The Next Generation. Of course I once announced on the Late Late Show I’d be leaving only the minimum to the O’Brien scions. Got that one from Buffett. I see it’s been reported you made donations to FF in the US, something I’ve done myself of course. $5,000 donation in the name of Dermot Desmond recorded in December 1990, while two further donations totalling $6,000 and made in 1988 are listed under the name “D Desmond”. Meanwhile the Clinton Foundation charity’s contributors’ webpage records I donated between $5 million and $10 million but doesn’t date the donations. The Wall Street Journal reported I won a $2.5m award in 2011 when Hillary was Secretary of State from a programme run by a State Department agency to provide mobile money services in Haiti after the earthquake. Morrissey confirmed I gave the money but has declined further comment. Nothing to

Alan Kelly contemplated his navel over the water, Irish Water, in his dirty bath. I fully accept the dirty bath, he practised, ministerially.  Errors were made in how it was run at the beginning. But they were not my errors. We will now take clean steps out of the dirty water. We or, should I say, they have not communicated why I am in this dirty bath. A drop of this valuable resource plashed into the foam.  But he didn’t cut it off. The water supply will not be reduced or cut off, he mouthed. Did I say timelines yet? Confusion. Other people’s confusion. My hyper-confidence. Fianna Fáil in the  bath. I have my ear in the  bath, listening to the people. The bath will not cost what people think. Better communication. Less confusion. €200. O Jeeeasus I didn’t say that. Less than €400. Leader Burton, in the way, those funny ideas about iquity, she said. Equetty. Ek-wetty. It sounded good. That was what he was for. While the timelines may have been dictated by the Troika, we all accept at this stage that they were simply too ambitious. I fully accept this. While I was not a member of cabinet at the time, it is important that as a Government we acknowledge that errors were made – the timelines, the complex nature of the charging structure and poor communications by Irish Water. We must now take steps to address them and we will. The timelines have led to confusion, uncertainty and huge frustration for the public. Again, I fully accept this. As a Government, it is time for us to listen and we are doing that. We are working on a package to bring the necessary certainty and clarity to the charging structure so that the public do face water charges which are modest and affordable. Many people are preparing for bills in the region of €500, €600 or €800. Based on the package we are bringing in, nobody will be paying these levels for their water. Let me repeat that, nobody will be paying these levels for their water services. I fully acknowledge there have been failures in communication.  Irish Water have correctly and appropriately apologised to its customers and elected members for this and are taking steps to remedy it. I apologise myself even though I have nothing to apologise for. Sorry. Sorry.  Apology. Eqwetty. There is nothing I will not accept. He couldn’t remember a thing about what was good or bad about water, baths or taxes. It was all about avoiding reaching for the towel. The bath was nice if dirty. Emissions. And getting hotter. Like the country’s climate. He let the hot tap run some more. Some of it splashed over the side down onto his jocks. I am on record as stating that the 2020 targets were unrealistic and unachievable and that did not take into account Ireland’s dependence on agriculture or the fact that we have one of the most climate-friendly agricultural systems in the world. This deal recognises that we have secured recognition across the EU of the importance of a sustainable agriculture  as a key consideration in ensuring coherence between the EU’s food security and climate change objectives. I made it clear that Ireland would not be signing up to any future targets that would be unachievable. Ye can’t eat the environment. Couldn’t give a rat’s arse he confided to himself and moved his head forward on its plane, like he used to do before he’d become an important man. He’d the lip under control since he’d become the big man. Fuck the climate. Doesn’t vote. Beef.  Beef, belching Beef forever he couldn’t get enough of it. 500 votes that was worth. And he emitted again. He caught a glimpse of the biggest bullox in the cabinet, through the soup below. And a night out on Macra, Christmas week. Minister for Local Government, he mused. He loved Government. But he if anything preferred Local. Local Funding he thought and fisted one out of the water. €1.1m New Ambulance Base, €350,000 Jimmy Doyle Road, €140,170 Thurles Leisure Centre, €95,000 Thurles Town Council for Pre-Approved schemes, €200 million investment in Limerick Institute of Technology’s Limerick and Tipperary campuses, €71,000 extra for road maintenance & major funding for Thurles bridge rehabilitation, €66,000 MUGA Monakeeba, €50,000 Thurles Walkway, €25,000 Thurles Boxing Club, Substantial funding for the CBS and the Presentation Secondary school and the Thurles international festival of hurling. Huzz-fuckin-Ah. And jobs. I am delighted to announce that a Tipperary company is among the preferred bidders to deliver the Government’s Jobpath programme. FRS Recruitment, who are based in Roscrea form part of the Consortium who have been selected to deliver the Jobpath programme in the Southern half of the country for the Department of Social Protection. 500 employees with their head office expected to be located in North Tipperary. Fuckin A. I haven’t even realised it’s privatisation of essential services. Better Tipp and private than the pale and public, he thought then threw himself back under the water confused. Jayz but amn’t I against privatisation? The bloody referendum.All that thinking they were expecting of him now in the senior hurling. Nobody seemed to care he’d the MPhil from Boston, founding chair Kemmy Branch Labour UCC,  former Chair Labour Youth. TD.  Minister for the Environment and especially local government.  And the other thing. MEP, BA, MPhil, Dip (Leadership) Bost, MBS. Deputy leader Labour Party. And still under thirty. Had anyone so unknown been gifted such a role (the brother, maybe)? Youngest ever Taoiseach he splashed the water which wasn’t really that dirty he thought. Imagine if he’d been in SF how he’d be poised for greaterness without Dame Joan Burton holding him back, reminding  him of his Mam. 40 he was, actually. He snarled cos no-one was looking, and gullied one into the broth. Now he was panicked. What do I understand about privatisation? What if I comes out I don’t believe in anything?