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2014-04-03-Village-Ad-HighRes.ai 1 03/04/2014 20:32
VILLAGEApril/May
SATIRE
Somewhere over the Caribbean (by in-flight email).
Dear Mr Desmond,
Marvellous win in Paris.
But no more of that. Off the pitch according to Forbes I added $ million (€ million) to the fortune in – in the rankings with a total
fortune of $ billion.
You were fifth, growing your wealth by $ million last year, up to $ billion. You sank to th on the list, down from last year.
Digicel paid me $ million last month – that makes $. over the last four years. It’s currently seeking to raise $ billion from investors to repay
our more expensive existing debt. Have just refinanced my IBRC borrowings of about € million, removing them from the special-liquidation sale
process at the bank. Paid full value for the loans, which are performing. Meanwhile a €. billion portfolio of loans, which includes debt held by me
and Niall McFadden, was bought by Deutsche Bank, Lone Star, CarVal Investors and Goldman Sachs.
Like a bear micturating his territory, I’m upping my play in Australasian group APN News and Media to . per cent following the company’s pro-
posed issue of new shares. Independent News & Media (INM), minus Vincent Crowley of course now, will not be participating in the equity issue and
will see its stake in the firm fall from . per cent to . per cent. It’s just too weak to participate. I really am the new Sir Anthony. Sir Denis, The
Right Honourable the Viscount O’Brien, Lord Denis O’Brien of Australasia? Why not, Dr Desmond?
Tony was never on the UN. But Denis O’Brien is – on the UN Broadband Commission for Digital Development. I – or should I say it – called for the
international community to recognise the “transformational potential of high- speed networks” (and do you know, I can help with that. Digicel sub-
scribers in Haiti pay $ for our service. Out of an average per capita income of $). Transformational.
Philanthropically though, I invited the UN to Dublin (you should really get into Forums – wonderful for the ego). And I told these fellas: “The long-
sought panacea to human poverty may at last be within our reach in the form of broadband networks that empower all countries to take their place in
the global economy, overcoming traditional barriers like geography, language and resource constraints”. I called on governments to lower spectrum
licence fees and suggested the establishment of a “champions league”’ index to track best practice in broadband investment and deployment. I don’t
know about you but I was very happy with the football metaphor in the middle there. It just screams man of the people.
I saw you there, celebrating twenty years as majority shareholder, banging on to Celtic TV that “Celtic are the best-performing club on and off the pitch
in Britain” and predicting a “visionary” future on the international arena. I love that word but I mean Celtic? Best performing? On and off?
You told them you have “too many highlights to mention. I liked the evening we beat Barcelona and I liked when we did the same with Manchester
United”. Right. But how about - Juventus and - Barcelona, last year? I mean I do the soccer thing myself but it’s not exactly philanthropy.
You need to throw some of that loot to the less fortunate. Mark Paul (who as I already noted in my last email has form in promoting me) was on about
me again in the Times: “Denis O’Brien’s Digicel sponsors anything that moves in the Caribbean”, he says. He notes our sponsorship of the West Indies
cricket team until , of Usain Bolt, of the Special Olympics team in most of the Carribean, of the Caribbean Premier League, as well as of other
national football associations, federations and leagues. And indeed of the pan-Caribbean Rising Stars TV talent show. (I’m glued).
Meanwhile Hollywood actor, charity advocate, big-hair practitioner (I was excited to note) and mate of Denis, Sean Penn, was in Dublin in March as
guest of honour at the Front Line Defenders Awards (me). He presented an award to women’s rights campaigner Noorzia Afridi who founded the Society
for Appraisal and Women Empowerment in Rural Areas (SAWERA) along with her sister Fareeda, who was shot dead on her way to work in .
Jim Sheridan popped in. So much positivity in this world of begrudging. Sean attended the ceremony without Charlize who stayed in LA. And we retire
to the Four Seasons.
Sean loves Ireland and he loves me. Mind you, as Clinton once told me, it’s much the same thing.
On a less festive celebrity note I am pursuing vulpine Robbie Fox and his former model wife, Martina through their operating company for the former
Bridge Bar and Grill around the corner from my old Eat headquarters on Grand Canal Quay. Treasury Holdings cosily transferred the lease to the Foxes
for a nominal sum but there’s still k outstanding to me, says the High Court – normally, as I’ve had occasion to note elsewhere, a ring of steel.
No class. Any of them.
Keep her lit.
Denis
