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Ireland's political and cultural magazine
52 — village july 2009
“ ” Bertie Ahern
has fallen on hard times and needs a place to
stay or even someone to talk to. One-time
friend of British Prime Minister Tony Blair,
rockstar Bono, Sir Alex Ferguson and helpful
businessmen worldwide, Mr Ahern now can-
not walk down the street without being hit by
a piece of fruit or a dustbin lid.
Palme d’Or-winnng director Ken Loach re-
cently rebuffed Mr Ahern’s innocent attempt to
wish former Manchester United star Eric Can-
tona well at the premiere of the movie about
him; and give him an auld Dublin jersey.
Loach, who doesn’t realise what a respect-
ed and fun figure Mr Ahern is in Ireland, told
The Irish Times that Bertie Ahern “tried to take
advantage of the fact that Eric would not know
who he was meeting, and yet he managed to get a
photograph of his brother [Maurice, the instant-
ly-forgotten candidate in the Dublin Central bye-
lection], so his brother could bask in the reflect-
ed glory of Eric Cantona. I just thought it was
cheap and I hope that people saw through it. It
just demeans him, really, and his brother”.
Not realising how well-meaning Mr Ah-
ern is, Mr Loach said Cantona had “not a clue”
who the Honorary Adjunct Professor of Me-
diation and Conflict at NUI Maynooth was,
although Mr Ahern, a life-long Manchester
United fan, has said he met the Frenchman
“a good few times” in the “players’ lounge at
Old Trafford”.
Even though Maurice Ahern explained that,
“Under no circumstances did we try to hijack
the film. Bertie is a great fan of Ken Loach, es-
pecially of The Wind that Shakes the Barley”
it was no use. Loach described Mr Ahern as a
“rather dodgy right-wing politician”.
In a further setback a source told Village
magazine that the lawn of Mr Ahern’s house in
Drumcondra is littered with old Dublin jerseys
- Mr Ahern has apparently presented several
thousand Euro worth of the jerseys to famous
people including Mr Cantona as “nice gestures
of kindness” but the source told Village that ev-
ery few hours a car comes around and throws
another of the unwanted gifts onto the grass. It
is now causing a traffic hazard in Mr Ahern’s bi-
jou housing estate.
In November Mr Ahern’s car was
nearly set on fire after newspapers were lit
under it in the St Stephen’s Green shopping
centre in Dublin.
And In November an event being attended by
the former Taoiseach had to be cancelled after
student protestors engaged in scuffles with the
Gardaí. Mr Ahern was due to speak at the Lit-
erary and Debating Society of NUI Galway but
around students protesting against the possi-
ble reintroduction of third-level fees staged a sit-
down protest at the entrance to the college and
blocked Mr Ahern’s entry to the event. A chas-
tened Mr Ahern had to go home unheard.
Like his mentor Mr Charlie Haughey, Ber-
tie Ahern has always been willing to share
the limelight with returning or triumphant
sports and rock stars. Sometimes a spoilt star
would castigate them and they were certainly
the victim of the occasional boo from crowds
unimpressed with whatever political vicissi-
tude was current, but things have never been
as bad as they are now for Mr Ahern.
Serious difficulties started last year when
his friend Padraic O’Connor denied that friend-
ship, even though Mr Ahern was in the middle
of his distinguished Taoiseachship. In refer-
ence to his little Manchester digout Mr Ah-
ern said during his famous emotional inter-
view with RTE’s Brian Dobson, “the money
was raised by close friends, people who were
close to me for most of my life. They are not po-
litical friends. They are personal friends. And
they are long-standing friends”.
Mr Ahern named Mr O’Connor among those
who were “all friends of mine,” adding: “I was
beholden to none of them”. Again and again he
said it: “These were close friends. They were
not big business interests that were removed
from me. They were very, very close friends
that I saw, if not on a weekly basis, then on a
very regular basis.” But nastily for poor Mr Ah-
ern this came “out of the blue” to O’Connor who
watching the Dobson interview live, claimed it
was a “total surprise.”
One woman known to Village whose name
has been withheld for legal reasons, said Mr
Ahern’s drycleaners are refusing to take his
Copeland suits anymore. Removing the spit-
tle is clogging the machines. The Sunday In-
dependent no longer champions his wisdom
on the property market and Maurice has been
seen drinking with Royston Brady.
Village is a campaigning magazine and we
are prepared to take on the role of fundraiser to
distressed former dodgy politicians. Won’t you
spare ten Euro to dig out Mr Ahern - help him
find secure new lodgings, or a change of iden-
tity and address? He did so much for us.
Village suggests if Mr Ahern gives back
his dig-out cash, if Celia gives back the house,
and if Cecelia agrees to give up on the nov-
els, absolutely everything can be forgiven and
the Bert can come out of hiding. If he adds an
apology and a promise to tell us what he really
did with all that money, and whether there’s
any more moolah we don’t know about, he can
be mayor and president too.
Even his friends are denying him
m i c h a e l s m i t h
:
give a little to friendless Bertie
the Wind that Shakes the Bertie
53
Photo: Photocall ireland
... things to look out for in the night sky
BAT SIGNAL George
never sleeps, not in the
Dail, not even at night
MASK hiding aerial attempts to
show thinning, but tantalisingly
revealing televisual ecomonist's jaw
BELT important aid in dealing
with over-excited Young Fine
Gael cumann committees
ALTER-EGO
millionaire playboy
BIG BOLLOCKS
bigger than Enda's
MuSCLES from over-use of Segway
on Stillorgan dual-carriageway
BLuE THEME enough for the
faithful to know what was going
on even during the RTE years
THE CITy
it's tough out there
Vigilantism
